New Meds

I know, I know. The purpose of blogging is to do it everyday, not monthly. I guess I've been in escape mode with m2m coming back into the picture from her trip back east.

Well, the good news is that m2m's primary care provider had a really good psychiatrist join their practice recently. So we signed her up for a visit. He's Harvard and Yale educated so he's got that going for him and he immediately took proactive measures to try some different medications (Wellbutrin XL and Abilify) which is all I really care about. He is slowly weaning her off of Seroquil. She's still on Lamictil as well.

Interestingly, during her first week after meeting with him, she had one of her most stable weeks in the past year. I'd say we were both cautiously optimistic. Actually, on the inside, I was totally stoked, but I just couldn't believe it.

And, as it turns out, it was fleeting...this week has been a mess. Depression in full swing. Calls of sorrow and sobbing.

But, who knows....we'll give the new meds a chance. Nothing to lose.

Spotting the Signs

It's interesting how I'm getting really good as spotting the signs of m2m's mania. At first, it's really subtle. It's a quick migration from topic to topic. It's a bit of a smile. It's a story about taking a friend or neighbor out to lunch.

But, the biggest sign of all is a fast, flat out denial of the potential of being manic.

Me: "I think you might be swinging a bit to the high side."
m2m: "No way. I slept xx hours last night."

Two days later the symptoms are more noticable when I speak with her on the phone. She jumps from topic to topic. Mentions that she found the golf balls she'd gotten for me as a present for xmas...(I'm glad she did, now I give her back the Nike Power Lady golf balls she'd wrapped for me instead).

So now, the conversation is different:

Me: "You sure you're not feeling a bit manic?"
m2m: "Well, yeah, maybe a bit."

I'm Inspector Clouseau...nothing gets by me. But, I wished I was wrong.

The Statement That Pretty Much Sums It Up!

Well, m2m is back to town now after more than a month on the east coast with relatives. She's low. She spent the night at our place her first night back -- down by 8:30pm, woke her up at 10am the next day. General malaise, but not too bad. She's just bringing up lots of trivial stuff from her trip east and how hard it is going to be going back to her apartment after being with so many people for weeks on end...yes, having people in your life is a good thing, m2m, yes indeed.

Anyway, we decided to go to a movie as a family that afternoon with our kids and offered to bring m2m too. Even though she worried whether she'd be able to get home before dark (she doesn't like driving in the dark) from a movie that started at 1pm, lasted less than 2 hours, and was a whopping 4 miles from her apartment, she decided to make the big plunge and go with us.

We saw Happy Feet. Very good movie. Great for kids with heavy themes for adults like the importance of being yourself, being disowned from your family and community, religious themes, and much about man's impact on the environment. So it was entertaining and fun for all.

As we left, m2m indicated she enjoyed the movie, though she didn't thank us for taking her. We dropped her off at her car and said goodbye as she'd be heading back to her place now. She had a pensive look on her face and she looked at me and said, and I quote:

"I'm not sure if I'm going to remember how to use the remote for my TV. It's been so long since I've used it."

That pretty much sums up her return in a nutshell for me:-)

But, she did call later and thank me for cleaning up her place which was nice.

Why, Why, Why, Why, WHY!

Day 2 of the clean up attempt at m2m's place. Nasty stuff.

I sometimes ask myself WHY DO I DO THINGS LIKE THIS, why clean up the mess, why organize, why put order to the chaos...part if it is to just be helpful, part of it is just a general need for cleanliness or, more specifically, sanitation. But there is a bigger reason for it too I believe and it came to me in an epiphany today when I had my headend in the bottom of m2m's refrigerator between the rotting potatoes and the juiced decaying tomatoes.

I've come to realize that I do this because I can. For some reason, it's almost a primal thing for me. A big middle-finger flicked at my childhood. Whenever I'm clean m2m's place up I can't help but think...you can't, but I can. That is why I do it, because I'm a functioning adult and I have the mopping skills to prove it. I win.

But, I also have to ask myself other "WHY" questions:

1. WHY does a recent stroke victim have cigrarettes in her freezer?

2. WHY does a diabetic keep syringes in her eating utensil holder, with her eating utensils?

3. WHY does a person have more than 5 copies of more than 5 photographs, each? Isn't that at least 20 more than necessary...ok at least 15 more.

4. WHY does a diabetic have 2 cans of whipped cream in her fridge...is m2m doing whip-its:-) And is there something you do with the 6 cans of frosting that you have in your cabinet? They don't say sugar free and I haven't seen any of your cakes.

5. Why do bipolar people like to light candles all over the place...is there some kind of manic seance club I haven't been invited to?

6. Why does one need 6 different boxes of bandaids, which each have 3-4 types each? Again I say isn't that at least 15 more than necessary.

7. How many pairs of white sneakers, with absolutely no color at all (not even on the laces), should one person be allowed to own? ...surely 6 is too many, even if you were a nurse.

8. Is it morally right to own two vacuum cleaners for a 600 sq ft apartment, when it's apparent that you don't use either? Shouldn't they be donated or at least given to a kid to make a go-cart out of the motor...something more amiable than just sitting there looking at the dirt?

9. If you don't clean your refrigerator for a year, is there any way that the half-finished pudding cup with yellow fuzzy stuff growing in it shouldn't be considered toxic waste?

10. If someone finds multiple samples of underwear covered in fecal matter, are they morally obligated to: A. leave it where it was and snicker, B. wash it and risk cross contamination, or C. throw it out and write about it in your blog? I chose C.

Again, I ask WHY? :-) I feel better now.

Racism

Not too sure what to say, except for that is troubling. It's not like m2m has many opinions or emotions, and when you find that she does have SOME, they are ones you'd like to lock in a safety deposit box and conveniently loose the key.

Interesting note... m2m, and father-in-law went to a quick hot dog joint. It is small town place, just hot dogs. One of those local places that could not and would not make a chain. That is the beauty of it. Anyway, on the way home, I thought I would TRY to have some meaningful and intelligent conversation with m2m and I said, "F.I.L. remembers, as a kid, going to that place and having 2 doors and two rest rooms, one for whites and one for blacks." m2m's response was a simple and non-contemplative "weird". I, growing up in the north, as m2m did, never saw such pervasive racism. I am still amazed how recent this country had institutionalized racism.

I was optimistic and thought m2m and I might be able to discuss such things. However, I do not think that m2m is a racist. Simply a Neanderthal when it comes to many issues. Humor obviously being one them.

m2m the Racist?

So, it's xmas time. While m2m is on the other side of the country with my younger brother, I decided a nice gift/gesture/necessary evil would be to go to m2m's apartment and attempt to clean the sty up a bit. Lots of crap everywhere, stuff rotting in the fridge, dirty sh*t-stained underwear in the bottom of closets (i'm talking beyond skid marks here). You know, just your average everyday adventure into cesspool of bipolar. I was prepared for it...I've lived in it as a child; seen it for 30 years; hell, I've breathed it for the passed 10 months. But, I was not prepared for what I found.

Deep in the piles of junk that she keeps in her laundry basket, or what I like to call her "casket of mania", I find three pages of handwritten jokes. Not just any jokes mind you, but racist jokes. Each meticulously numbered, each more vile than the next. Anti-semitic, anti-this, anti-that. Bigotry unfettered. African-Americans, Jews, Latinos, all under attack. It looks 90% like her hand-writing and it contains 100% of the incoherence that she typically writes with when she's high, but I'm not 100% certain she wrote the down. All I know for sure is that she somehow got them and kept them. Sick! Sad! Mind-numbing!

Given that my wife and kids are minorities this is particularly unsettling for me. She was definitely manic when she got this, or copied them, but this is one of those things that goes beyond the disease in my book...almost like when people have absolute thresholds even when drunk. Mel Gibson has certain thresholds and so does Michael Richards from Sienfeld, but I thought m2m had different ones.

The question is do I confront her about it when she returns? I have 4-5 days to think about it.

Chemical or Behavioral or Environmental?

I think the answer to the question above is all three. The chemical part is the trigger for everything, it's the spark that creates the momentum for the swings and also accelerates them. But, that's only part of the story. The environment matters...circumstances matter. m2m has many fears when she is low, none when she is high. Going to your in-laws house is a frightening situation for her when low. She feels inadequate when low. Judged. Worthless. Exposed. So the fear she creates in the face of something uncertain exacerbates her lows.

But, the behavioral is the most frustrating thing, because we see the glimpes of normalcy that make us feel manipulated. When m2m is high she manipulates aggressively, but its more of a malicious kind...she lies, she says hurtful things, she's unappreciative, and she's somewhat explosive and will show anger. When she's low the manipulation is more attention-seeking...more the sacrificial lamb of despondency. Her face is visible different...her face sags when she is low, her eyes are hollow, her mouth bent in a constant frown. Almost like she's trying to look sad..."look at me I'm sad...can you see it on my face?" Her famous quote from our childhood (as she moves her glasses down her nose a bit so that we can get a good look at her sad eyes), "Do I look tired to you?". Yes, m2m, you look DEPRESSED, you manipulator!

Can we help her? Not really. We can only do the best we can to protect our families from it...like the blog says...Deal With It. The WebMD website had a recent article on helping relatives deal with Bipolar during the holidays. The site is here:

http://www.webmd.com/content/article/129/117518.htm

Kind of takes a pandoring approach if you ask me, but it's an interesting point of view nonetheless. I actually think this one is a bit more practical:

http://www.webmd.com/content/article/102/106806.htm?z=4249_00000_5022_pe_01

Is it hereditary, many studies say, yes. Is it mandatory? No. The sense that I get is that there isn't too much we can do other than make the best of it and contain the pain that it spreads to loved ones as much as possible. The hurt she causes isn't intentional I don't think, it's part of the illness. She looks for the negative side in other people and other relationships because she has very few of her own and almost none of them positive...it makes her sphere of relationships seem more normal to point out the faults in others.

Like your postings with her quotes, I've had similar ones from m2m in recent months: "Don't you get frustrated by your son's tantrums?"; "Do you do all the cooking?"; "Why does your wife do so much laundry?"; "Do you have to go to work today [on a random tuesday]?"

The answer to all of these, is "Yes, I/we are living our life/lives." And, very happily, I might add, in spite of ...