The Statement That Pretty Much Sums It Up!

Well, m2m is back to town now after more than a month on the east coast with relatives. She's low. She spent the night at our place her first night back -- down by 8:30pm, woke her up at 10am the next day. General malaise, but not too bad. She's just bringing up lots of trivial stuff from her trip east and how hard it is going to be going back to her apartment after being with so many people for weeks on end...yes, having people in your life is a good thing, m2m, yes indeed.

Anyway, we decided to go to a movie as a family that afternoon with our kids and offered to bring m2m too. Even though she worried whether she'd be able to get home before dark (she doesn't like driving in the dark) from a movie that started at 1pm, lasted less than 2 hours, and was a whopping 4 miles from her apartment, she decided to make the big plunge and go with us.

We saw Happy Feet. Very good movie. Great for kids with heavy themes for adults like the importance of being yourself, being disowned from your family and community, religious themes, and much about man's impact on the environment. So it was entertaining and fun for all.

As we left, m2m indicated she enjoyed the movie, though she didn't thank us for taking her. We dropped her off at her car and said goodbye as she'd be heading back to her place now. She had a pensive look on her face and she looked at me and said, and I quote:

"I'm not sure if I'm going to remember how to use the remote for my TV. It's been so long since I've used it."

That pretty much sums up her return in a nutshell for me:-)

But, she did call later and thank me for cleaning up her place which was nice.

Why, Why, Why, Why, WHY!

Day 2 of the clean up attempt at m2m's place. Nasty stuff.

I sometimes ask myself WHY DO I DO THINGS LIKE THIS, why clean up the mess, why organize, why put order to the chaos...part if it is to just be helpful, part of it is just a general need for cleanliness or, more specifically, sanitation. But there is a bigger reason for it too I believe and it came to me in an epiphany today when I had my headend in the bottom of m2m's refrigerator between the rotting potatoes and the juiced decaying tomatoes.

I've come to realize that I do this because I can. For some reason, it's almost a primal thing for me. A big middle-finger flicked at my childhood. Whenever I'm clean m2m's place up I can't help but think...you can't, but I can. That is why I do it, because I'm a functioning adult and I have the mopping skills to prove it. I win.

But, I also have to ask myself other "WHY" questions:

1. WHY does a recent stroke victim have cigrarettes in her freezer?

2. WHY does a diabetic keep syringes in her eating utensil holder, with her eating utensils?

3. WHY does a person have more than 5 copies of more than 5 photographs, each? Isn't that at least 20 more than necessary...ok at least 15 more.

4. WHY does a diabetic have 2 cans of whipped cream in her fridge...is m2m doing whip-its:-) And is there something you do with the 6 cans of frosting that you have in your cabinet? They don't say sugar free and I haven't seen any of your cakes.

5. Why do bipolar people like to light candles all over the place...is there some kind of manic seance club I haven't been invited to?

6. Why does one need 6 different boxes of bandaids, which each have 3-4 types each? Again I say isn't that at least 15 more than necessary.

7. How many pairs of white sneakers, with absolutely no color at all (not even on the laces), should one person be allowed to own? ...surely 6 is too many, even if you were a nurse.

8. Is it morally right to own two vacuum cleaners for a 600 sq ft apartment, when it's apparent that you don't use either? Shouldn't they be donated or at least given to a kid to make a go-cart out of the motor...something more amiable than just sitting there looking at the dirt?

9. If you don't clean your refrigerator for a year, is there any way that the half-finished pudding cup with yellow fuzzy stuff growing in it shouldn't be considered toxic waste?

10. If someone finds multiple samples of underwear covered in fecal matter, are they morally obligated to: A. leave it where it was and snicker, B. wash it and risk cross contamination, or C. throw it out and write about it in your blog? I chose C.

Again, I ask WHY? :-) I feel better now.

Racism

Not too sure what to say, except for that is troubling. It's not like m2m has many opinions or emotions, and when you find that she does have SOME, they are ones you'd like to lock in a safety deposit box and conveniently loose the key.

Interesting note... m2m, and father-in-law went to a quick hot dog joint. It is small town place, just hot dogs. One of those local places that could not and would not make a chain. That is the beauty of it. Anyway, on the way home, I thought I would TRY to have some meaningful and intelligent conversation with m2m and I said, "F.I.L. remembers, as a kid, going to that place and having 2 doors and two rest rooms, one for whites and one for blacks." m2m's response was a simple and non-contemplative "weird". I, growing up in the north, as m2m did, never saw such pervasive racism. I am still amazed how recent this country had institutionalized racism.

I was optimistic and thought m2m and I might be able to discuss such things. However, I do not think that m2m is a racist. Simply a Neanderthal when it comes to many issues. Humor obviously being one them.

m2m the Racist?

So, it's xmas time. While m2m is on the other side of the country with my younger brother, I decided a nice gift/gesture/necessary evil would be to go to m2m's apartment and attempt to clean the sty up a bit. Lots of crap everywhere, stuff rotting in the fridge, dirty sh*t-stained underwear in the bottom of closets (i'm talking beyond skid marks here). You know, just your average everyday adventure into cesspool of bipolar. I was prepared for it...I've lived in it as a child; seen it for 30 years; hell, I've breathed it for the passed 10 months. But, I was not prepared for what I found.

Deep in the piles of junk that she keeps in her laundry basket, or what I like to call her "casket of mania", I find three pages of handwritten jokes. Not just any jokes mind you, but racist jokes. Each meticulously numbered, each more vile than the next. Anti-semitic, anti-this, anti-that. Bigotry unfettered. African-Americans, Jews, Latinos, all under attack. It looks 90% like her hand-writing and it contains 100% of the incoherence that she typically writes with when she's high, but I'm not 100% certain she wrote the down. All I know for sure is that she somehow got them and kept them. Sick! Sad! Mind-numbing!

Given that my wife and kids are minorities this is particularly unsettling for me. She was definitely manic when she got this, or copied them, but this is one of those things that goes beyond the disease in my book...almost like when people have absolute thresholds even when drunk. Mel Gibson has certain thresholds and so does Michael Richards from Sienfeld, but I thought m2m had different ones.

The question is do I confront her about it when she returns? I have 4-5 days to think about it.

Chemical or Behavioral or Environmental?

I think the answer to the question above is all three. The chemical part is the trigger for everything, it's the spark that creates the momentum for the swings and also accelerates them. But, that's only part of the story. The environment matters...circumstances matter. m2m has many fears when she is low, none when she is high. Going to your in-laws house is a frightening situation for her when low. She feels inadequate when low. Judged. Worthless. Exposed. So the fear she creates in the face of something uncertain exacerbates her lows.

But, the behavioral is the most frustrating thing, because we see the glimpes of normalcy that make us feel manipulated. When m2m is high she manipulates aggressively, but its more of a malicious kind...she lies, she says hurtful things, she's unappreciative, and she's somewhat explosive and will show anger. When she's low the manipulation is more attention-seeking...more the sacrificial lamb of despondency. Her face is visible different...her face sags when she is low, her eyes are hollow, her mouth bent in a constant frown. Almost like she's trying to look sad..."look at me I'm sad...can you see it on my face?" Her famous quote from our childhood (as she moves her glasses down her nose a bit so that we can get a good look at her sad eyes), "Do I look tired to you?". Yes, m2m, you look DEPRESSED, you manipulator!

Can we help her? Not really. We can only do the best we can to protect our families from it...like the blog says...Deal With It. The WebMD website had a recent article on helping relatives deal with Bipolar during the holidays. The site is here:

http://www.webmd.com/content/article/129/117518.htm

Kind of takes a pandoring approach if you ask me, but it's an interesting point of view nonetheless. I actually think this one is a bit more practical:

http://www.webmd.com/content/article/102/106806.htm?z=4249_00000_5022_pe_01

Is it hereditary, many studies say, yes. Is it mandatory? No. The sense that I get is that there isn't too much we can do other than make the best of it and contain the pain that it spreads to loved ones as much as possible. The hurt she causes isn't intentional I don't think, it's part of the illness. She looks for the negative side in other people and other relationships because she has very few of her own and almost none of them positive...it makes her sphere of relationships seem more normal to point out the faults in others.

Like your postings with her quotes, I've had similar ones from m2m in recent months: "Don't you get frustrated by your son's tantrums?"; "Do you do all the cooking?"; "Why does your wife do so much laundry?"; "Do you have to go to work today [on a random tuesday]?"

The answer to all of these, is "Yes, I/we are living our life/lives." And, very happily, I might add, in spite of ...

Sinking into the Abyss

I'm already behind on my blogging! Trying to balance a prego (wife is pregnant and a raging hormonal beast, sorry babe, I KNOW you're doing the best you can! :), m2m, and my worste/most disappointing week of work all year has been tough. She is in a deep low now and it is a major struggle to get the day going. I've spent all day with her the past 2 days and have lots o material to share. However, I'm not sure I'll be able to do it all right now, but do need to get some of her gems, in the form of quotes in, so I can expand on them later. It has been a sea of negativity, constant, consistant negativity. It is now 5:33 AM and a new day, I will endeavor, as I almost always do, to have a positive outlook today!

So here are some quotes and I will not exaggerate on the number of times I've heard them. The thing about them is there is so much tone that needs to be read into them, only family members will be able to appreciate them I think...

"Boy, I hope you're kids don't get it [bipolar]!"
"Does 'wife' worry that your kids will get it?"
"If there was one disease I would give up, this would be it." 3x
"Wife is type A, isn't she?"
"Is wife the boss?"
"Is that so wife doesn't have to cook?"
"You're so laid back, that's great."
"Do I need to worry about my purse while we're in wife's hometown?"
"Why would grandpa send me down with these traveler's checks?" 5x
"You know I would do it if I could." referring to me helping organize her 4 bags.
"I thought you wouldn't be working as much as you are."
"I don't know what to bring to wife's hometown, can you help me?" We're planning a visit to my in-laws with m2m in tow for xmas.
"I'm going to take my blood sugar." daily
"April likes me."2x This is my brothers dog...his dog.
"I think wife likes me."
"I thought you were going to get wife's oil changed?"
"You're going to miss wife's Dr.'s appointment?"
"Oh, NOW I can have some turkey!" - only time I've heard inflection in her voice
"$4.99 for a bag of coffee (which I purchased), that's ridiculous, don't you think that's ridiculous?"
"Maybe some day I will be able to get medication that will help." 3x
"Friends are on xyz drug, and that seems to help them, maybe I can ask my psych nurse about xyz drug."
"I don't think ob's state believes in mental health, how is your state?"

I struggled with something all day yesterday. I woke up and took my daughter in to her day care early due to the fact that she had her first Christmas party that afternoon. One that m2m and I would be able to enjoy with her, at least I was thoroughly looking forward to it! I stopped by a neighbor's house to help him with his kitchen, which he is remodeling. When I called to check on m2m, she sounded upset that I woke her up at 9AM. When I came in 15 minutes later, she didn't acknowledge me, just sat that in a comatose state. 10 minutes later, as I finished up some work, I heard her wailing. I went to console her and she stopped immediately. I asked her what was troubling her and she didn't have any response. She finally came up with the fact that she couldn't figure out what to pack for the trip to my in-laws in two days. SO, I offered to help her get her belongings organized.

She immediatley had more energy and we proceeded to go through EVERY fiber of her 4 bags. I made sure to engage her and not simply do it for her. I asked her alot of questions about where various items should go and tried not to get annoyed that she had, just as ONE example, 4 toothbrushes strewn throughout her luggage. She helped and seemed to be relieved after having a place for everything and everything in its place. ummm, simple. After reflecting on what we accomplished she came back with the quote "You know I would do it, if I could". I asked her exactly what she meant by this and she said, "You know, get organized, my mind does not work like that."

That's what I struggled with all day. If I hadn't spent time with her, prodded her to help me organize her things, she would have sat there in the chair all day and fermented. HOWEVER, she COULD walk around, she COULD use her brain and hold a semi-normal conversation IF I was there helping and encouraging. SO, what I pondered all day was this, just how much of her disease is chemical and how much is environmental. OK, that may be sugar coating it, just how much is her choice? Wow, nobody knows how gut wretching that is to contemplate except ob.

On another level, if it's not chemical and alot of it is choice, is that any better or worse?

I do believe that her highs are uncontrollable, but I have concrete evidence that I can improve her day with how I interact with her. That shows me that at least SOME of her normal/low periods are not strictly chemical. Now the question is, can we, as sons transfer this understanding to m2m? After 30+ years, numerous doctors and psychotherapists, can WE help m2m? Here I/we go again. I wrote previously that I accepted the answer as no. So why do I ask again.

Ummmmmmmmm not sure really. Good therapy session though. I'm ready for another adventure!

Days 3&4

So, m2m had a pretty good weekend with us, I THINK. She is "lowish" as she is calling it. The weekend was filled with normal Holiday activities. On Saturday night, my wife asked m2m if she wanted to come to church with us on Sunday. Her initial reaction was a typical, "I don't think so this time." Wife encouraged her, saying that it was beautiful Christmas oriented service and m2m did the proverbial, 180, "OK, sure!".

I think it was benefiical for her to get out and experience some interaction with "healthy" people. ALOT of her social interaction in the last 5-10 years has been other mentally ill patients, who she seems to really take a liking to. Although, I think it is great for her meet new people, befriend, and help these folks, I am not sure it helps m2m get back on track.

She has continued to dwell on the negative things going on. That she doesn't feel like getting up in the morning (Monday morning I encouraged her to get up and spend some time with me and my daughter before I went to work, which we had discussed the previous night, but that was an act in futility. She looked at me like I was the devil and I said "you don't HAVE to get up". She looked at me hopelessly and said "I don't?". I said "no" and quitely walked out and shut the door. This made me a little sad, but I realize I can not change/help her, although the fact that I've admitted to that 2 times in this blog alone says alot. I can't help continuing to try.)

Today, I took her out for breakfast and we talked about how my wonderful mother-in-law is coming into town to take her to lunch and a movie. She seemed stressed about it and I asked her many times, "Do you WANT to go, because if you don't, it's no big deal and she doesn't have to come." She said repeatedly that she will "act", she is good at "acting." Let me tell you m2m is not going to win any Oscar's anytime soon.

SO, after breakfast I thought about her comments some more. I feel like if she needs to "act" to appear like she is enjoying MIL's company, then why would she really WANT her to come at all. I made it very clear to her that she did not NEED to go out with her, that MIL would not care and would understand if she needed to reschedule or cancel. She refused to make any changes. I still don't have any answers for this one.....

Day 2 Thought she might be dead 2x

Well today m2m was still sleeping after 11 1/2 hours of slumber. She told me last night that she usually wakes up around "6", so when I had to leave at 7:30 and check on her I creaped slowly with my daughter into her room, I truly thought that the stress of the flight, all her other physical problems, the fact that ob has found her in many a precarious state, she would not be breathing. She typically has a snore that would shake my 100 year old house quite easily and there was no sound of life emitting from her room. However, I was relieved when I did hear some sounds of life. PHEW! I really thought I might have to call 911. I decided to leave a note on with the phone for her call me on my cell when she got up.

I had a very busy morning and before I knew it, I looked at my watch and it was 11AM. I called her also thinking that there was a major problem...
"Hi Mom"
"Hi"
"Did you get my note"
"Oh yeah."
"Why didn't you call me"
"Oh, I couldn't figure out your phone, couldn't get a dial tone."
"All you need to do is push the 'on' button"
"Oh, maybe you can show me when you get home"
"ummm"

That's a pretty good indicator that she is in a low. I really think I woke her up. When I came home, about 2PM, m2m had made breakfast that I laid out for her, a sandwich for lunch, dressed herself and showered and that is literally all she had done, since waking up "around 7:40".


HISTORICAL ANECDOTE ALERT:
It's not as bad as the lows that we, as a family endured in the past. In early grade school, I began to realize m2m was not "normal". She would spend 18-22 hours in bed for weeks at a time. I distinctly remember one episode in 4th or 5th grade. She came out of her cacoon smelling like a rotten turnip with flannel pajamas on after school one day. She sat on the end of the couch, hair in a silver mohawk, and cried so hard I didn't know what to do. I really felt terrible for her but really didn't have any clue what to say or do. Those lows were really tough, thank you God, for my Grandparents, who would come and provide some normalcy in our house during our formative years.

Now, with the plethora of medications that m2m has taken over the years, I feel like the lows aren't as deep or extended, but there is a continual numbness in her that is troubling. She does not seem interested our excited to see our 14 month daughter (which she hasn't seen since last Christmas), who is the center of my life. It doesn't appear that she wants to do anything at all. Today, she sat and watched CBS until I got home. Gripping television for sure! I think the thing that bothers me the most about m2m's, is her lack of effort. In my 20's, I came to accept that she is a sick, mentally ill person. Although that was an extremely difficult and emotionaly wretching process for me, I am grateful I was able to finally realize that. I realize that I can not help her, and maybe no medication can (they say that 10% of bipolar cases do not respond to any medication at all). With that being said, there are signicant amounts of time where I believe she can function as a normal person and chooses not to do so. This is still extremely troubling for me, however, I now realize that I can not change this aspect of her either.

Whenever ob or I try to encourage her step out of comfort zone she quickly gets defensive and irritated. I am comitted to making her stay as pleasant as possible, for her, my wife, and quite frankly myself. Therefore, I have not tried to prod or ask her any questions about her behavior. As result, most of our conversations have been very depressing and overwhelmingly negative. She likes to dwell on the problems she sees and continually asks questions and makes comments about them. Like "Wow, your daughter sure is fussy, I wonder what's wrong with her?". "Does she always cry like that?" "Your wife's job sounds stressful, how does she manage it?" (BTW, my wife loves her job and it really isn't stressful at all) etc, etc. These negative leading questions are beginning to get on my nerves a little bit, I really don't know if they are intentional, but I think I will ask her about them tomorrow.

Away for a While

I know, I've been away for way too long. Start this blog thing and then the only reason I post is because of competition from the bro. Nice post by the way.

No, I've just been basking in the glory of not having to deal with m2m (I like that short cut too, nice touch). Before Thanksgiving we went back east with m2m in tow and I haven't had to deal with the daily grind of m2m for almost a month now. So I've gone radio silent and quite enjoyed it I have to say.

Heard a few stories from my grandparents, who hosted m2m for about a month...housecleaner stole $150 from m2m (I think she spent it or gave it away to friends)...heard how m2m was in a silent low when we arrived only to zip into manic overdrive by the time she left (I think she flew south to visit my bro by flapping her arms really hard)...how she was vicious and angry in her high (because my grandparents had asked her to go to bed when she was up at 4am), etc...did I mention how she blamed the housekeeper at the elderly care facility for stealing her cash that she manages with the precision of a brain surgeon.

My grandma thinks we need to have her committed...however they don't do that for people that aren't a threat to themselves or society...at least not for as long as she was contemplating I'm sure.

So here I sit, thinking "14 more days of bliss"...nothing can phase me:-)

Day 1

Well My2Moms (m2m) arrived in my world today. She will be here over the Christmas holiday for 2 weeks. I will try to make entries on a daily basis with stories of her quick stay. I will also try to provide some historical anecdotes to provide a foundation for understanding older brother's (ob) and my childhood.

I got to the airport exactly at her arrival time, I was unfortunately running a little late, but thought that it would take some time for m2m to wade through the pea soup that always seems to follow her when she tries to get somewhere on her own two feet. After about 5 minutes of waiting at the baggage claim and all but 4 bags left on the carousel, I began to worry. M2m doesn't have a cell phone and there would be no way for her to contact me if she hadn't made the flight, or ran into other issues. Then, in an extremely labored, panting voice (one that would you might expect from someone after a competetive 100 hard dash) I heard "Bryan?". I turned and there she was, sweating, and breathing heavy, almost too tired to hug me.
"I think my stuff is in zone 4" m2m
"Your flight number says 1 and it's right in front of us"
"oh" m2m
"Why don't you get my bags, I'm going to go sit down."m2m
"I don't know what they look like."
"One has a red strap and one has a green strap, (pointing) oh, there they are!"
After I got her bags off and walked to where she had taken a seat to rest...
"SO, is your car all the way on the other side of the parking lot"
"No, it's right outside"
"OK, why don't you go get your car and I'll go out side and smoke?"
"ummm, OK."

As I walked to my car I began to contemplate just how much of a physical mess m2m is in. I am a big believer in interdependence of the mind, body and spirit. I thought about her lack of concern for her body first, and her spirit, and couldn't and can not help but wonder how that recklessness has affected the third component of what it means to be human, her mind.

After a very haphazard conversation on the way to my home, where, in a matter of 30 seconds m2m darted from topics of her own mom's mortality, the fried ravioli she ate the previous night, to the develpment of her third grandchild, we had a pretty normal evening....